New Years eve 2011

The end of the worst year of my life,
never had so much heartache and striff.
All from the people who i held dear,
girlfriends and roomates cut my throat from ear to ear.
My ego and trust in people thrown out the window,
never had i been so deceived by so many people.
Shame on me for falling in love with you,
when everyone always said it was to good to be tru.
Against the grain has always been the path i choose,
but that path led me down a dead end road.. Closed.
Getting back on track is not as easy as going in reverse,
the one way train of life doesnt allow u to back trach,just change course.
Traveling with my eyes closed i probably missed many opportunites,
waiting on the past to rewind and so i can rewrite history.
Who did i think he was, what kinda power did i think i had over my life,
why did i think i was special, what made me think my back was stronger than that knife.
This new year i will bring in alone.. just me in my zone.
Most people resolve to be nicer, well mines is gonna have to be the opposite. do for me and do for self, cant nobody make me happerier than me right>

In loving memory of a dear friend..

We grew up inseparable, together all the time.
we worked together, Lived together,
smile together, cried together,
watched each other grow into adults.

Somewhere down the line things changed,
you started hanging with a different 'crew',
your values, actions, and personality changed.
you slowly started to drift away and soon you were out of my grasp.

Peer pressure, bordom, and influences one 2009 summer night,
exposed you to a deadly disease that turned out to be uncureable.
The parasite slowly began to take over and minipulate your mind,
and pretty soon u were complete under its control.

The closest people to you didnt even recognize you,
the ones who you loved couldnt tell u did anymore,
all we knew was that u were different and we didnt kno why.
It would all come to the light the next summer,1 year later.

I tried my best to save it,
tried everything in book to try to treat it.
Nothing worked, but lord knows i tried,
but u cant win them all.

To think i will never see you perform again,
never get to celebrate your birthday,
never go to another homecoming party,
or just be in each other presence like we use to be.

Curiosity killed the cat, is the best way to put it.
It killed my best friend, killed out dreams,
killed our future and almost killed me to.

It was unbelievable at first, but we all knew it was coming,
GOD took you alot sooner than expected,
but maybe it was for the better,
now i can remember u for what u were and not what u became.

Moving on is the hardest part, cause i never thought i would have to.
thought u would be around forever to tell the kids old stories bout our childhood, the hot tv shows, all the cool dances, and show pictures of our hair and clothes.

Not a day goes by that you dont cross my mind.
In the end i would give anything to have you back,
but could things ever be the same.... i dont know hard to say.
Would take alot of work but nothing good comes easy.

I hope this reaches you out there, where ever you are...
once u put something into cyber space aint no telling where it will go,
High in the sky or low underground,
it will never be as lost as i am without my bestfriend..

clouded mind

My clouded mind seems to keep me from closing my eyes,
from witnessing the peace of rest and the comfort of sleeping.
Is it natural for me to be going through this, and is it unnatural for her not to,
is this what i planted into our relaionship and this is my punishement, my reaping?Events & situations, memories & dreams, good times & bad times,
Flood my mind with emotions i feel i will be forever keeping.

Or is this something different, my defining momemt to step out and step forward,
To discover more about myself as a man, and GODs plan for my life.
To focus on other opportunities and begin new journeys,
things i would have been able to with kids and her as my wife.
Fatherhood, family, providing and saving all sound like great things to me,
but it that wasnt your plan, we would be doomed to struggles and strife.

All i kno now is the pain that i feel, the confusion about what really happened, and the reality that regarddless there is nothing more i could have dont to save it.
What i dont know is who you are anymore, how u could treat somebody u saw everyday for many years like a meaningless friend, somebody u passes the time wit.
What i need to kno is how to let go, let you realize the love, comfort, friend, and man u left behind, and find someone who will take all the love i showed you and let me feel it.

The one thought i cant figure out is what more do i have to offer. I gave it my all. what will be left of me when they stitch up the stab in the back and mend my broken heart. Who would willingly walk back into love again knowing what the outcome could be. The LOVE game is a puzzle i dont kno if i will ever be ready to restart..

define you love

Love: affectionate concern for the well-being of others; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. sexual passion or desire.

Love aint nothing but a word to most people.

Said when u spend more than 5 days a week,
talking more than 5 hours aday,
buying gifts for 5 a month,
or vacationing with 5 times a year.

Affectionate concern for the well being of others, definition #1.

When someone well being is affected by your actions and u choose to do it anyway, that is not love.

When you can see their pain, hear their cry's, feel their saddness, taste their tears, and smell their fears but you do you anyway, thats not love.

When you make a mistake, like all people do, but dont try to fix it, make up for it or prove yourself again, thats not love.

When you dont have the respect to consider their feeling even if you have moved on, thats not love.

When you cant forgive someone who regrets their faults, give them a chance to make it right, thats not love

Love is waiting patiently for you to get back on track...

Love is being there for you even when you make BIG mistakes...

Love is NEVER leaving them alone to deal with pain...

Love is fight for what you want, win or lose

Love is grinding through the rocky patches and sailing through the good times...

Love is that thought about that special someone everyday when u dont see them...

Love is hard, love is tuff, love is scary, love is ruff,

Love is happy, love is smiles, love is life, love is GOD,

Love is never ending and forever

Love is like the lotto... you got to BOTH be IN it to win it

Gotta be InLove to win with Love

.....

Yet another sad love blog. Days after our ex anniversary day she gets a new BF. It wasnt enough of a slap of what she said to me on the day, the guy she chose to be with, or her non regard for my well being during the short 4 months we been apart. Some people sure do move on fast. Fast past caring about the friends we use to have, fast past the reason why we broke up in the first place, fast past acting like u gave a fuck about me ever since u can retweet all they shit talk about me. I guess the easyiest way around the guilt is to turn it to hate. But a rebound guy will never be a score, he is the punishment for your past mistakes and your motivation to fix them. I wonder if you ego will keep you from coming back to me with an apology. I wonder if your new friends will take your side when he fucks up just like every other nigga in the circle. I wonder when u realize he aint me will you just stay cause u dont wanna be wrong. I wonder when you feel that emptyness when u get ur pharm D, house with a yard, your big suv, and u still not complete will u think of me. You aint never cut off a friend, better yet a bestfriend, but u doing it now to me of all people. When u look n the mirror i wonder what you see, cause i kno it not what we saw when u was depressed about life and i told u what i saw in you. You let people beneath you change you, pull you down to they level. You kick it with a bum wit a kid, niggas who dont have a stable place to stay, all the girls take care of there niggas, a nigga who got cheated on but yet did the same thing to somebody else. All things u hate lol out of your own mouth. Karma is a bitch and it never forgets a face. This may be my punishment for some of my past actions but i have learned my leson.

9-23-06/10

There are about a million reason why I could tell you that I love this girl. Most importantly, nobody has ever mad me feel as important, needed, and loved as she has. I have spent and gave her my last, anything she wanted i would find a way to get, and the first, last and most frequent thought in my mind were about her. I loved seeing her everyday, kissing her everynight and doing it again everymorning. Everything i did was for her and to make her happy. I would have givin my life for her with a smile.
Now things are different.... for what reason I dont kno. What I did, i couldnt tell you. Feels like somebody died and i wanna go to so i can still be with them. Everything happens for a reason, so i say a prayer... "God grant me the serenity,to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference". Everyone says if it is meant to be then it will be, if you know in your heart u did all u could even if u messed up, then it will be alright cause u will be able to sleep at night with a clear heart. But as stated before in a blog Broken Hearts dont sleep. I hate the fact that she hates me now. Some say its just the frustrations of the mistakes made during the relationship. I we could only make it through this, we would be so much strong. Im down like the niggas on 300, but i cant win this fight solo.
In the end I lost this battle but ill win the war. If i was this happy with her, the woman i fall in love with to marry gonna be a GREAT feeling. If its her or not, GOD is in control and HE wont steer me wrong.

The 23rd

This will forever be a special date from me cause it was the day i met her, the girl who change me as a person. Tho we are not on the best of terms at the moment, i cant imagine not having her in my life. This is just the introduction to the story of us... next month i will show and tell yall why a adore and love that girl so much.. even through ALL the BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT STINK but i love ma STINKA more..

WHY O WHY???

Why do i still care? O Why dont you care anymore?
Why do i still answer you calls? O Why do you still call me if u dont want me?
Why do i still love to hear your voice? O Why do you say the meanest shit to me?
Why do i still want u to be my 1 and only? O Why cant u be happy with the 1 you have?
Why do i still feel like its my fault? O why do you still keep blaming me?
Why do i still reach for ur hand and tummy? O Why do u give me knuckle and back?

Why O Why do i feel these ways? O Why O Why do i still choose to stay?

~~~~SN: for those who didnt get it. i reach for her cause we facing each other so i hold her hand and caress her waist and tummy... but on her end her back is turned so i grab the back of her hand or knuckles and her back or butt...~~~~

Stuck in hearts love limbo/maze

For the last couple days i have been tring to figure out ONE simple question, 'is it time to move on and let go?'. This coming after i finally decide to go out with a new girl just to get out the house and havev some fun. Long Story short, there was some Guaranteed action available for me.... but i didnt take it. To me there was multiple reasons why i didnt do it, but non of them had anything to do with me or with the persistant female. All i could do is think about my ex, what she would say, how she would feel, and how it would affect use getting back together cause that my goal in the end. I still love my ex dearly, but i got needs to. I dont wanna add anymore partners to my list to have to tell her about in the future but who's to say she note adding chapters? Depriving myself of sex is a small price to pay to get her back.... but is it the right choice? is that to much respect for since we are not a couple, i have been called to sensitive cause im single but worried bout an ex but also to cute in the fact in still dedicated to someone who im tring to work things out with. These lonely night starting to add up and i would like to feel that need and warmth of a woman sometimes...i still wanna wait on her, but its not fair to me. Maybe i will just have 1 friend that is also not ready for another relationship but like the companionship of a nice guy. I dont know, but i need to escape this maze so i can find out what my future really holds.... Anybody got any suggestionson a way out?

A Good Woman

Just something i stumbled across on the internet...

Broken Hearts Dont sleep

The story of my summer.... Feels like the night time has become my enemy. Constantly fighting battling feeling of lonelyness, betrayal, heartbreak, and regret. When my eyes close, my heart takes over. Pumping all of the feeling into my mind. One night i HAD A RECORD 6 DIFFERENT NIGHTMARES, each one more real than the next. The worst was when i rolled over after one, thinking you would be their, only to find a flat pillow u slept with so i held that for a night. It was impossible for my body to rest under the stress of all thought of what I did wrong, and how could i fix it.... To bad even in my mind, i couldnt mend the wounds i caused. Never have I seen sooo many sun rises, felt so many tears fall,or so many bright stars in the night sky, but my shining star was still missing. A sense of peace would come over me as i closed my eyes as the cold wind blew. Then the shiver of the cold reality would soon change me back. I envy the night, so peaceful and calm with itself. While i feel as if im surrounded by the bands of the southern classic. The sun would bring fun, energy, and life that would just suck mines away. The light would be a perfect potion of all of the places, events, and moments that would take me back in time to my happier days that are now just figments of my imagination. It wouldnt be till my body gave out from lack of sleep & food that i would get a moments rest while i was to exhausted to dream about my star that gone. 'An idle mind will wonder' and mine has taken me to the moon and back repeatedly.

A lil all over the place, but now its off my mind. :)

Shadow Monkey

My go to for advice, fun, laughs, and a good time. Always around to listen and give me the real even if im wrong. Always making sure to "say it wit ya chest, lil ass nigga" lol. But honest to GOD you helped me through a really tough time in my life, and i appreciate you so much for that. All i can really say is THANK YOU and if u ever need an executive decision made... i will be sure to boot that ass for you lol.

Love sick

Love sickness is just like the common cold, u cant get rid of it once you got it. When you under the weather of love, every situation is magnified and rational decisions can never be made. The wrong choice seems to follow you around and your making no progress to dump your heavy burden. A black rain cloud seems to be following me around, raining down my face masking the tears and sadness. I hold my head down cause im afraid of the hurricane that is coming next, even tho i been taking all the lightning strikes on the chin this far. But this last storm hit home, it hit hard and hit deep. Took me totally by surprise and went directly to my soft spot. Left a mark that may never heal, but the bruise will always remind me of that pain. But the funny part is..... that i will probably walk down that same road, thru the same storm, with a metal pole hoping to take a different path for a better outcome. Does this make me a fool or is it faith? Does this make me a addict to stress, the drama, the pain, or maybe i just love the way it hurts, could it just be test of wills or simple be me being in denial or over a lost cause.

So.... am i actually so in love that im sick... or should i be sick or this love.